Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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