I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
