you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
