I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
