when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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