I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
