what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
