uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
