just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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