why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
