Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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