Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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