Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
