Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
