We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
