Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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