I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.