So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
