Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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