I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
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Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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