Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
