You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
