Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
