I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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