My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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