Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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