last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
