I met the friendliest cop last night
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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