bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
