Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
