On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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