I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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