oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
