i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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