apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
