I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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