it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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