She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
it was like his penis was on wheels.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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