Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
