you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
