she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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