We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
