im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
