I want to walk on stilts...naked
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
