I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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