She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
