Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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