I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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