Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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