there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
