There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
