"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
