Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
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We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
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We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night