I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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